Mr HappyLove Man x Back In The Past
by Elliot Green
Summary: Everyone knows that angry people make mistakes, so Hermione comes up with a plan to make Voldemort angry... And boy does it work. Slight HG/SB, part of the Back In The Past series, can be read alone.


**Mr. Happy-Love Man x Back In The Past**

**A/N: In this story, Hermione comes up with a killer plan to totally get the edge on Moldy Voldy. After all, angry people can't plan as well, can they? They better not...Or Hermione's in trouble...**

Hermione stared at the wall. She needed a plan...

Well, she had a plan. Acid and sword, again.

But first she had to do something to catch Voldy's attention... But what? It would have to be really bad... And boost people's moral... And be annoying...

Then it came to her.

It was annoying.

It would boost people's moral.

It would definitely catch his attention...

And it would be 100 total fun.

It was perfect.

She ran out of her (and Sirius's) bedroom to put her plan into action.

Lily stared at Harry.

"You look so much like James..."

"Thanks mom." Harry said, relishing the fact that he could say that.

Sirius came into the room and smiled at them. "Hermione wants everyone in the Order's meeting room at five tonight. As many people as possible, she says."

Lily frowned. "She didn't say anything to me about that..."

"She said she wanted to keep it a secret."

"She told you."

"She wanted my help." Sirius said, scowling, which indicated that the help wasn't something he wanted to do willingly, but something he had to since he was married. Some looks can say a lot.

"Hmm... Well, we better gather as many people as possible..." Lily said, with her hands on hips.

"Only really trustworthy people. It's really important, and could mean winning the war or losing it."

Lily smiled. "Hermione always did come up with the best plans... Like remember the exploding puddings? That was really cool."

Harry looked up at his mom, startled. "Hermione exploded puddings?"

"Yeah... And blamed it on me!" Sirius said.

"That was a fun day." Lily said.

"Yeah, for you."

_Five o'clock, later that evening..._

Sirius walked into the meeting room, surprised. It had been laid out like a classroom, and Hermione was sitting at the teachers' desk, and on it was a wizard projector. She was shuffling some papers and looked up when everyone filed in.

When everyone had sat down, she stood up looking excited.

"Now, I suppose you're wondering why you're here... Well, if you meet Voldemort, you're most likely going to die anyway, right? But, angry people make mistakes, so the best course of action would be to make him angry, right?"

There were general sounds of agreement.

"Now, I figured our best shot at winning this war is to make him angry. And boost moral. And I have the prefect way to do that." She pulled out a piece of paper and put it on the projector.

Sirius looked up and read it.

**Are you feeling sad? Depressed? Just plain bummed out?**

**Then call Mr Happy-Love Man!**

**Also known as Lord Voldemort,**

**And he will make all your troubles go away!**

**Remember, happiness is just a dork lord away!**

Sirius stared in shock, then burst into laughter.

"That - Is - The - Most - Ridiculous - Thing - I - Have - Ever - Read!" He said between snickers.

A person in back raised his hand.

"Yes?" Hermione said pointing to him.

"You're not really going to pass those out, are you? That'd be suicide!"

Hermione shook her head. "I'm not going to pass them out. I'm going to drop them on Diagon Alley from above, and paste them on all the walls. They'll definitely raise moral. Also, I put a charm on them so that you can't trace them back to anyone."

"She was best at charms in our school," Lily said, "Even in sixth year."

Hermione beamed at her best friend, and said, "And there's something else too..." She put a hardback picture book on the projector.

It said:

**Mr Happy-Love Man presents:**

**The Voldemort fun book!**

**(Mr Happy-Love Man is a registered **

**trade mark of Lord Voldemort and may not **

**be used for any commercial purposes.)**

Hermione opened the book to the first page.

**What does Voldemort like to be called? Read on!**

**1. Mr Happy-Love Man**

**2. Voldy**

**3. Moldy Voldy**

**4. Voll De'Mort**

**5. Mort  
**

**6. Tommy**

**7. Riddle-me-do**

**8. Dork Lord**

**9. Turd Face**

**And his favourite:**

**10. Morticia**

**Above all, never call him 'Dark Lord' 'Lord Voldemort' 'My Lord'**

**and instead only use the ten listed above. **

Hermione grinned and turned the page again.

There was a picture of Voldemort wearing light blue shirt and pants, and holding the cutest kittens ever, all with pink bows.

The caption underneath read:

**Loves: Kittens**

Hermione turned the page again.

This time there was a picture of Voldemort wearing the same blue outfit and holding a basket full of delicate flowers.

**Loves: Flowers**

Then she turned the page again.

After the picture on it, there was no way she was getting out alive if Voldemort figured out it was her book.

The picture on it showed Voldermort wearing a blonde wig, with the hair pulled up into pigtails, and with a sparkly tiara.

And a pink frilly tutu.

And ballet slippers.

And carrying a golden sparkly wand like the kind young muggle girls played with. It had a star on the end.

The caption read:

**Loves: Ballet and cross-dressing, apparently. **

Hermione beamed and took back the book.

Fred and George, who were trying to contain their snickers, burst into full out laughter.

Sirius looked embarrassed by something, and Lily was beaming.

Harry had stuffed his fist into his mouth to stop the laughter, and it wasn't working.

"I'm going to put copies of that on every street corner, and it's got an enchantment so it turns itself into an old newspaper when the dark mark is around. Also, it does that wen you say the trigger word. And secretly, too."

She opened the book to show the inside cover.

"See this line here? You write down your trigger word, and your untrigger word, and it disappears and becomes part of the magic."

Lily grinned even more. "Brilliant Hermione!"

The guy in back raised his hand again.

"Yes?"

"Isn't this really dangerous? And stupid? I mean, so what if you _say_ it can't be traced. He'll find a way. And when that happens, you'll be the first to go. And it's not that good anyway."

Before Hermione could open her mouth, Lily jumped up.

"You think she wouldn't be the first to go anyway? She's muggle-born! I'm muggle-born! We'd both be first on his list anyway! And where do you get of insulting her? You couldn't do half of what she has done! She's the only one ever to kill Voldemort! Can you claim that? And frankly, I've done more than you and I've been gone for 16 years! So you watch your mouth!" She sat down with a huff.

Sirius, who was always one to fuel the fires, started clapping.

Harry grinned at his mom and said, "Way to go!"

The guy who had been yelled sat down, embarrassed.

(A/N: They all know the story of how Morticia (I like that one best) really died.)

Lily smiled as everyone started clapping, then frowned. "Hermione, how did you get the pictures of um... Morticia?"

Hermione smiled and Sirius sank lower in his seat.

"See, I had his ashes, and so I made a polyjuice potion, which Sirius took."

Sirius had turned beet red now and was sinking lower and lower.

James, who had been sitting in the back, stood up and said, "No way! Padfoot pranced around in a tutu? And a little fairy wand? I don't believe it."

"Don't forget the tiara." Lily said, grinning.

Sirius scowled at the room in general and said, "It's hard to say no to your own wife..."

James burst into laughter. "Don't I know that!"

Lily stood up and glared at him and he yelped. "James Potter! Boy are you in trouble!"

There were snickers all around.

_Three days later... At Morticia's house...  
_

Voldemort stared at the book in his hands. "Tommy? Turd face!? _Morticia_!?!?"

He grumbled and turned the page. "Kittens!?"

He turned it again, getting madder. "Flowers!?"

He turned it again and was so angry he dropped the book. "_Ballet and cross-dressing_!?!?!?"

At that moment Wormtail had the bad luck (A/N: Die scumbag!!!) to enter the room.

"Mr Happy-Love Man?"

"WHAT!!! Never call me that!"

"But the book, you Turd Faceyness!"

"The book is all lies!!!"

"But you wrote it!"

"I did no such thing!"

"What about the flyers, my lord?" Wormtail said, feeling like he was tap-dancing on quick sand.

"What flyers?"

Wormtail gulped and handed him a sheet of paper.

"_Happiness is just a dork lord away?_ Who wrote this!"

"I don't know my lord, all the charms aren't working!" Wormtail wailed.

Just then, an owl came in with a letter.

Voldemort grabbed it. "It's for me..."

He opened it up.

**Dear Mr Happy-Love Man,**

**I read your Voldemort fun book, and I have to say, I love**

**ballet and cross-dressing too! Where do you buy your wigs?**

**And I noticed you tutu fit perfectly, but all I buy don't fit, no**

**matter how much magic I use. Is there a special guy tutu **

**shop you go to? Also, your tiara looked absolutely **

**stunning with your complexion. But I am much more flushed,**

**so where do you recommend I go? Also, this is a little weird**

**to ask, but will you go out with me? It's so hard to find other **

**gay guys who like tutus, don't you think?**

**Love,**

**John**

"What the ?!?!?!" Voldemort screamed as he turned purple. Oh, and finished the letter.

"Something the matter my lord?" I really hate Wormtail, but you have to admit, he might have gone traitor out of stupidity, considering what he just did...

Voldemort blew up the owl, and pink streamers showered the room.

Hermione giggled and leaned in closer to Lily. "And when he blows up the owl, his room will be covered in pink streamers."

Lily burst into laughter. "Did you really put 'It's so hard to find other gay guys who like tutus'?"

"Yup."

Lily fell off her chair and rolled on the floor laughing, where Hermione then joined her.

A/N: I can't imagine what Hermione might think of next... Well, I have to since I'm the author! But not the owner, note that. I don't own Harry Potter, just the plot. Not ofHarry Potter of course, just the plot of this FF. So... you like? R&R!!!


End file.
